Day 5.

Dear boy,

It's 5 days ever since i mentioned it. How are you? Hope things have been fine. Read your tweets, remember to take care. Always see a doctor when you're not feeling well. Hurts me to see you suffering. Well days without you are hard to live by but i guess i will slowly get used to it. Often i regret the decision i made, but i guess that's all you ever needed. Its not about what i want, it's about what you need. I never thought that by sacrificing all you ever had for someone really meant changing myself to you. I guess love is really blind.. It makes you do things you never thought you would. Like sacrificing my night to sleep to bake your favourite oreo cheesecake. Or sacrificing all my angpao money used for my own shopping for our 6 monthsary present. It's been hard, knowing that i now have no one to depend on, no one to talk to, no one to comfort me in my saddest point of life.I hope you're doing fine, that's all i ever wish for. That you'll be happy, safe and enjoying what's to come. Take care and know that i'll always be here for you. I love you.

xx

Doctor's.

The trip to the doctor's just sucked. I was having a really terrible headache due to my fever. And i went in for 5mins, all he said was "Oh fever ah. I just give you more medicine. Your throat looks better what." "Oh but it's pain when i swallow food" "Oh aiya never mind la, its probable just ulcer" OK WHAT THE JUST ULCER!?!?!?

IF THE MEDICINE IS NOT WORKING, GIVE A STRONGER DOSAGE YOU DIMWIT. DO I HAVE TO TEACH YOU OMG UGH I'M JUST SO ANNOYED. THE WORSE PART WAS "Oh, lethargic ah? Never mind, just go to school" WOW THANKS DOCTOR.

-

And it definitely sucks to think that if i fell sick or what not, i would get more care and attention from the one i love. But guess not. I feel so stupid right now. Probably the stupidest girl ever - that's what everyone calls me.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

It's my fault everything's become like this.

I've got to accept what i've done.

I can't possibly be wanting you back.

I can't. Even though i want to.

I started it. I need to face it. 

Myself.

xx

Tear filled.

"I saw him today. With ___ and a very pretty girl."

A VERY PRETTY GIRL. 

:'( 

-

Went to meet Tasha and Nigel for a very late lunch. Wanted to eat at the cafe in Clementi, but because Nigel was late, we changed to town.

Got our very first airbrush tattoo. But really cheat my money. Say can last for a week, now not even first day alr fade. :( 

Went to have lunch @ Astons, then walked around. Before they headed for edge and i went to Bayfront. 

Went for Aerosmith's concert. Nothing really fantastic. Just that the atmosphere felt like a really big outdoor club. And it was hot. And very sweaty. 

Couldn't concentrate the whole time. I just really...... ugh. I really hate myself.

-

How can someone who once loved you moved on faster than you thought.... I really hate myself. And i just.... really miss you. I don't know why but whenever i think of you, tears will flow automatically. I just..... i really don't know what's becoming of me. 

Lost.

What happens when someone you loved so much leaves you.
What happens when someone you cared the most pushed you away.
What happens when someone you loved the most never wanted to meet/talk to you again.
What happens when someone you loved the most gave you the most broken promises.
What happens when someone you thought cared for you left you alone in difficult times.
What happens when someone who gave you direction in life left you.
What happens when someone who once brought you laughter and smiles suddenly changed 360.
What happens when someone stopped caring.

I guess this is what happens. It leaves you heart broken. Cuts deep into your heart. You feel like you're about to die but no you're not going to. It leaves you to cry alone at night, where your pillow suddenly becomes your best friend. It leaves you with this emptiness in your heart because you know you're never gonna find someone like them. It just leaves you with an open wound and someone just pours salt on it.

I lost it. I lost myself. I lost my motivation. I lost everything, and most importantly, I lost someone I once loved so dearly.

x.

:'(

Currently coughing like crazy I don't even know how is this possible. Have been falling sick a lot this year. What has happened to my immune system.. :/

To be honest, all along I have been envious of other couples who take care of one another when they're sick. Like accompanying them to the doctor's, surprising the other party at their house with food, accompanying them when they're bored, etc. Yet now I have no one to look after me. Not even my parents. They haven't even noticed I've been coughing for these few days. But I guess I will have to learn to take care of myself and rely on myself more. What's the point of relying on someone else when one day good things are gonna end & they'll be gone. Forever.

xx

Where you are, is where i wanna be.

Him: Why you lol one?

Me: Because its funny. Ignore me yet still say care for me lol joke sia.

Him: Um... I know you lol cause you sad, so don't need bluff me. 

Sometimes I really thank God for my best friend. <3 

And Natasha. This woman spammed me the entire night last night

with funny videos and Jack & Finn aaaaah <3 

So blessed to have them around.

Cherish

Don't wait till it's all gone before you snap out of it and realize it's too late to salvage anything. Yes, people will fight for you, but they won't fight forever if you keep shutting them out. Sometimes you just have to learn to put down your pride and ego for someone you love more than yourself. 

Cherish.

Imagine Dragons

Suddenly in love with Imagine Dragons. <3

GOOD DAY TODAY BECAUSE IM GOING FOR AEROSMITH'S CONCERT AND I HAVE PERCY PIGS YAY ME

Here's my favourite song from Imagine Dragons. (DON'T JUDGE BY THE TITLE OK ITS DAMN NICE)

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

When the curtain's call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Hugs.

hug

 

verb (used with object)

1.

to clasp tightly in the arms, especially with affection; embrace.

2.

to cling firmly or fondly to; cherish: to hug an opinion.

3.

to keep close to, as in sailing, walking, or in moving along oralongside of: to hug the shore; to hug the road.

verb (used without object)

4.

to cling together; lie close.

noun

5.

a tight clasp with the arms; embrace.

Hugs are a pretty powerful expressive tool. You hug someone when you're happy, when you love them, when you're sad, when you greet one another. Hugs show many emotions.

When i'm sad, i'll just burst into tears. When i'm angry, i'll be pissed and try to push them aside, but instead they will embrace you tighter. When i'm happy, well that'll be mutual. When girls greet one another, we hug as well.

Honestly, i love hugs. Be it when i'm happy/sad/angry/disappointed. I just love the feeling of knowing someone understands you and wishes you the best. But of course, i wouldn't like goodbye hugs. Like the one i gave Celeste last year. I miss her so much now. :( I find it annoying when i'm sad and someone hugs me, i'll just cry a river. But i guess hugs are more affirmative.

In conclusion, i really love hugs. :) especially from those who hugged me when i was sad and was being there for me. :)

--

Went cafe hopping with the girls earlier in the afternoon again. :) Really love cafe hopping! Get to eat so much good food. Went for edge then had dinner at the airport with Natasha, Sequina & Grace. Yeah, it was a girl's night out.

I really love the girls so much because even though i said nothing, they could sense that there was something wrong with me. Thanks for the talks. :) I guess Nigel tried to make my night better as well. I really thank God for him. :) Aww he's so sweet, whoever that marries him is gonna be one hell of a lucky girl. Basically, Zavier and Matthew just laughed at me the entire night. Yes, they're such meanasses but i still love them. <3

xx

On a side note,

I really miss you.

xx

Thankful.

"Live life to the fullest. With no regrets" that's what my friend told me. I did. But now i'm in no position to regret. But for now, I'm really thankful for my friends whose always been there for me.

Even though I haven't known you guys for a very long time, but you guys are really such blessings in my life. Even though I always nag at you guys or piss you off or shout/scold you guys, you guys really understand me. :')  so here goes. :)

My animal farm friends - Shihui, Natasha,  Fabian, Weixian, Desmond & Eugene

Thanks for always being there for me. You know I nag and scold you guys a lot. But through it all, you guys stuck with me & I'm really grateful for that. :) Shihui ah, you this blur woman. Thanks for all your advices & your really cold jokes HAHA.

Fabian, you're the only guy in the entire group that I can trust all my secrets to. Not because I don't trust the rest, but it's just that you're more of a person I'll confide in. Both of us are quite alike, personality wise, relationship wise. Thanks for all your advices, but I don't know if I got the strength. You really understand how I feel and that's why I feel safer telling you everything. Thank you so much. :')

Weixian - thanks so much for asking "why? Cold War ah? Break up ah? What happen? Aiyo don't so sad leh. Eh don't cry. Eh I will be your maid for the rest of the year." HAHAHAHA that was really funny tbh but thanks for always trying to make me laugh. Like saying "Jodie & I broke up alr leh. If that makes you feel better..."

Desmond & Eugene - you guys are the weirdest bunch. One likes to draw really disturbing drawings but yet so detailed. One talks to himself at home. But you guys really play such an important role in my life. Without you guys, I don't think animal farm will ever be animal farm.

Nigel - Though you're a year younger than me, but someimes you're more mature hahaha. BUT MOST OF THE TIME CHILDISH. You've been there for me through it all, making me laugh and smile whenever i'm upset. Sending me weird photos of yourself omg its hilarious. Just hope you make the right decision, seeing you like this makes me sad. You deserve better Nigel, you're a great guy, people who don't appreciate you are blind to not see that. Make the right decision ok, just know that all of us have your back. :)

Last but not least, Marcia & Dayna <3 we've been best friends for what? 5 years? Really want to thank God for girls like both of you. Such a blessing. :') really don't know what I would do without the both of you. We've all been through ups and downs. Done so many stupid yet memorable things. We laughed, we cried, but through it all, you girls have always been there for me. I've never broken down in front of somebody but only the two of you girls. Marcia, you remember macs when Stanley went to the toilet. Dayna, you remember just the other day, at momentum conference. I literally cried during the conference. It was embarrassing. But you girls stuck with me through it all. I can't measure the amount of gratefulness for you girls. :') I love you girls. :) thank you.

xx